I’m a Recovering People Pleaser… Is That Okay?

So, are you a chronic people pleaser? You wake up early every morning, not because you are a morning person, or love to have a few moments to yourself to enjoy your coffee in silence before the day begins. No, you wake up early because you need extra time to prepare for a day filled with obligations and commitments to others that you simply “couldn’t say no” to. Your calendar is packed with meetings, social events, favors for family and friends, leaving little to no time for yourself!

Are You a People Pleaser?

As the day progresses, you constantly find yourself worrying about others’ opinions, striving to meet their expectations, and bending over backwards to avoid conflict at all costs. By the time you get home, you’re physically and emotionally drained yet, despite your fatigue you struggle to sleep because your mind is racing with thoughts about the tasks you haven’t finished and the people you might have disappointed. So instead of trying to rest, you find yourself staying up late to “finish just one more thing” before pouring yourself into bed, just for the alarm to go off a few hours later and you’re right back at it. You’re feeling overwhelmed, and you’re starting to lose touch with who you really are.

If this sounds all too familiar, you’re not alone! May people grapple with the relentless urge to please others, often at the expense of their own well-being. This blog is dedicated to helping you understand and overcome people-pleasing tendencies and learn to reclaim your time, energy, and sense of self. Take it from a recovering people-pleaser, it’s worth the effort to break the exhausting cycle and live a more authentic life!

Psychological Roots

People-pleasing often stems from early childhood experiences. As a child, if you were praised for being compliant, or faced criticism for asserting yourself may have learned to associate approval with self-worth. Individuals who grow up in environments where conflict is prevalent or unsafe may adopt people-pleasing behaviors as a coping mechanism to maintain peace.

Impact on Mental Health

Recognizing the behaviors and their impacts on your mental health is the first step toward change. People-pleasers often experience:

• Low Self-Esteem: People-pleasers often derive their sense of self-worth from external sources of validation. When they perceive that they’ve failed to meet others’ expectations or receive approval, it can deeply impact their self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
• Burnout: The relentless pursuit of pleasing others can drain physical, emotional, and mental energy. People-pleasers often take on more than they can handle, leading to exhaustion and burnout. This can manifest as fatigue, irritability, chronic worry or tension, and a diminished ability to cope with stress. Over time, feelings of resentment can begin to build towards those that we aim to please.
• Identity Loss: An erosion of one’s sense of self begins to take place after extended periods of excessive people-pleasing. Constantly bending to accommodate others’ wishes can blur personal boundaries and obscure individual desires and values. This can lead to a sense of identity crisis as the person feels disconnected from one’s authentic self.
• Unfulfilled Needs: By continually prioritizing the wants and needs of others over their own, people-pleasers may neglect their own well-being. This can lead to unmet personal needs such as a lack of self-care, diminished personal time, and neglect of passions and interests.

Practical Strategies for Change

So, you’ve identified the people-pleasing tendencies or behaviors in your life, now what? Here are a few simple suggestions to begin shifting the focus from those around you, to your own self.

• Setting Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain boundaries is crucial. Start small by identifying situations where you feel overwhelmed by others’ demands. Practice saying “no” in these situations. Remember, your needs are just as important as others’.
• Assertiveness Training: Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts and needs both confidently and respectfully. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings without blaming others. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when I take on more tasks than I can reasonably manage”, instead of “You always ask too much of me.”
• Self-Care Practices and Self-Compassion Exercises: Prioritize yourself by scheduling regular activities that nurture your emotional and mental well-being. This can include exercises, hobbies, mindfulness practices such as meditation and deep breathing, or simply taking time to sit back and relax. Practicing self-compassion is key, treat yourself with the same kindness and grace you offer others while acknowledging your efforts and forgive yourself any perceived shortcomings.
• Identifying Supportive Relationships/Professional Help: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support your well-being. Let go of or minimize contact with those who consistently undermine your efforts to prioritize yourself. Seeking professional help from a therapist can be a powerful step in your journey to overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. By working with a therapist, you can gain deeper insights into your behavior and develop essential skills.

Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies is a journey toward greater self-awareness, self-respect, and authenticity. By understanding the roots of this behavior and implementing practical strategies, you can build healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life. Remember, it's not selfish to prioritize your well-being—it's essential. Start today by taking small steps to honor your needs and embrace your true self.