Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems in Relationships: How to Recognize and Manage Them

John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship dynamics, distinguishes between two types of conflicts that couples experience: solvable problems and perpetual problems. Understanding this distinction is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

1. Solvable Problems

Solvable problems are specific issues that arise from circumstances rather than deep-rooted differences in personality, values, or lifestyle. These conflicts can typically be resolved through communication, compromise, and problem-solving strategies.

How to Solve Solvable Problems:

• Use a Soft Startup: Begin discussions calmly and respectfully, avoiding criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
• Effective Communication: Use “I” statements to express feelings and needs rather than accusing or blaming the partner.
• Accept Influence: Be willing to consider your partner’s perspective and compromise.
• Repair Attempts: Make efforts to de-escalate tension during arguments by using humor, affection, or reassurance.
• Problem-Solving: Work together to create a practical plan to address the issue. Focus on the problem, not the person.

2. Perpetual Problems

Perpetual problems are ongoing conflicts that stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or life aspirations. These issues often resurface over time and, while they can't be "solved," they can be managed. Around 69% of conflicts in relationships fall into this category, according to relationship expert, John Gottman.

How to Manage Perpetual Problems:

• Dialogue Instead of Gridlock: The goal isn’t to solve the issue but to communicate about it in a way that feels constructive. Accept that some issues are long-term and won’t go away.
• Respect Each Other's Differences: Acknowledge and respect the fundamental differences that lead to the issue. Accept that you won't always agree but can still coexist peacefully.
• Emotional Attunement: Stay emotionally connected even when discussing difficult topics. Show empathy and validation for your partner's feelings.
• Compromise on the Issue: While the root cause of the issue may not change, find small ways to compromise that make both partners feel understood and valued.
• Create a Shared Meaning: Work towards building a life narrative where both partners’ values and beliefs are honored.

Examples of Solvable and Perpetual Problems in Relationships

Solvable Problems

These problems are often circumstantial and can be addressed through effective communication and compromise. Here are a few examples:

1. Division of Household Chores:
   • Example: One partner feels they are doing most of the cleaning while the other isn't contributing equally.
   • Solution: The couple can discuss the issue, delegate tasks, and agree on a fair division of labor.
2. Planning Social Events:
   • Example: One partner prefers spending weekends with friends, while the other enjoys quiet evenings at home.
   • Solution: They can negotiate how to balance socializing and downtime, making sure both needs are met.
3. Financial Decisions:
   • Example: A disagreement over whether to make a specific purchase, like buying a new car.
   • Solution: The couple can talk through their budget, assess the necessity of the purchase, and find a compromise

1. Parenting Strategies:
   • Example: One parent believes in strict discipline while the other prefers a more lenient approach for a specific issue.
   • Solution: They can discuss the specific situation, find common ground, and agree on a temporary or long-term strategy.
2. Intimacy Scheduling:
   • Example: One partner wants more frequent intimacy, while the other feels overwhelmed and tired.
   • Solution: They can have an open conversation about needs, and expectations, and find a schedule or approach that works for both.

Perpetual Problems

These are rooted in core differences in personality, values, or life aspirations. They are not likely to go away, but they can be managed. Here are examples:

1. Personality Differences:
   • Example: One partner is introverted and enjoys alone time, while the other is extroverted and craves social interaction.
   • Management: They accept their personality differences and develop a plan where both needs are respected, like scheduling separate social time and alone time.
2. Difference in Life Goals:
   • Example: One partner wants to move to a big city for career opportunities, while the other prefers a quieter, rural lifestyle.
   • Management: They recognize this ongoing conflict and continue to have discussions about it. They may seek compromises or reevaluate goals at different life stages.
3. Religious or Spiritual Differences:
   • Example: One partner practices a religion devoutly, while the other is agnostic or atheist.
   • Management: The couple agrees to respect each other’s beliefs without trying to change one another, and they find ways to celebrate or live with their spiritual differences.
4. Differences in Family Involvement:
   • Example: One partner prefers frequent contact with extended family, while the other feels more comfortable with limited family interactions.
   • Management: They acknowledge this as a perpetual issue and negotiate boundaries around family involvement that feel comfortable for both.
5. Sex Drive Differences:
   • Example: One partner has a higher sex drive, while the other has a lower sex drive.
   • Management: Rather than attempting to change each other, the couple finds ways to compromise that respect both partners' needs, perhaps by exploring different forms of intimacy or finding a middle ground.

Overall, solvable problems require practical problem-solving and communication strategies, while perpetual problems require ongoing management, empathy, and respect for each partner’s differences. The key is learning to distinguish between the two and responding accordingly.