Attunement: Mastering Relationship Conflict Through Emotional Connection

Most, if not all of us, desire healthy, intimate, and positive relationships. However, not everyone possesses the skills necessary to cultivate and sustain one. The quality of any relationship is dependent on the quality of interaction between the individuals involved. Therefore, it's crucial to cultivate the essential skills required to build deep emotional connections and navigate relational conflicts in a way that deepens the bond of friendship, rather than damaging it. According to Dr. John Gottman, the "Masters" of relationships have a unique approach to handling conflicts and building emotional connections. They have a "we" mindset when approaching problems in their relationships and have a keen sense of self-awareness, as well as an understanding of their partners. This concept, referred to by Dr. Gottman as being attuned, increases relational connectedness, intimacy, and trust. It's an essential key to forming a strong connection, mastering relational conflict, and establishing trust in relationships.

A.T.T.U.N.E.: The formula for cultivating attunement

1. A - Awareness of partner’s emotions: It’s important to understand your partner’s emotions and acknowledge them intentionally, aiming to soothe and minimize negative feelings in the relationship.
2. T - Turning Towards: This is about being present, emotionally available, and showing care and desire to understand and engage with your partner's experience, as well as responding positively to your partner's efforts to connect with you.
3. T - Tolerance for the differences: This is the willingness to embrace perspectives, opinions, and interpretations that are contrary to yours. It’s about refusing to dismiss or minimize your partner’s viewpoints and choosing to respect/validate them even when you do not agree with them.
4. U - Understanding: This requires suspending judgment and seeking to truly understand your partner’s emotions, their significance, history, and any triggering incidents. It requires prioritizing your partner and emotional connection over being right.
5. N - Non-Defensive Responding: Taking responsibility means not making excuses. It involves understanding that intent and impact are two different concepts. Even if your words or actions are motivated by good intentions, they can still have a negative impact on your partner.
6. E - Empathy: It's important to empathize with your partner and understand their perspective. This can lead to validating their feelings and building a stronger connection.

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, we understand how challenging it can be. Don't hesitate to contact us for support and guidance today.

Resources

Gottman., J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. New York, NY. W. W. Norton & Company.